


Unexpected Heroes

by socially_anxious_slytherin



Category: Supernatural, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Horoscopes, M/M, Nightvale, Romance, This isn't really much of a crossover fic despite the characters, Weird, a little fluff, city council - Freeform, it's written like an episode of Nightvale, old woman josie - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-05 05:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4167492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/socially_anxious_slytherin/pseuds/socially_anxious_slytherin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A trio of strangers ride into Nightvale and have a bigger impact than anyone could have expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unexpected Heroes

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, this is written as if it were an episode of Nightvale, not a third-person narrative.

Unexpected Heroes

Don't ask the doctor about that tickle in the back of your throat, they're just trying to be playful...  
Welcome, to Night Vale  
*  
Listeners, we've gotten numerous reports stating that new people have come into town. Old woman Josie says she saw a black Impala drive noisily into town this morning, sputtering into town hastily, somehow giving off a feeling of almost supernatural association. Josie says that the angels looked angrily at the car before they disappeared, mumbling something about a troublesome brother. 

Well listeners, I say we welcome these newcomers, lets not forget how wonderful our last visitor turned out to be... On that note, lets also not forget that our perfect, beautiful, intelligent, former newcomer chose ME, NOT you Steve Carlesburg! I saw you hungrily salivating over Carlos yesterday, enlarged, sharp teeth jutting out of your thrown-back shriveled head, unholy gurgling noises emanating from the recesses of your abysmal trachea. Serves you right that Carlos tranquilized you after he caught you staring. NOT YOURS STEVE. Not yours.

….In other news, the city council has placed a temporary ban on music, simply stating “Music prevents government.” Before they collectively slunk into the doors of City Hall and began to chant. We here at Nightvale Community Radio realize that you are used to hearing a soothing background noise while I deliver you the news of recent catastrophes so I have asked intern Charlie to continuously pluck her cheek with her mouth open to simulate the melodious sound of raindrops. (sound begins) aah, how ataractic. 

An update on the newcomers. They were spotted at Big Rico's Pizza a small increment of time ago. Big Rico himself (Well, in his cordial vapor form) states that there were three visitors in total. Rico says that there was an unnaturally tall man with glamorous, brown, parted hair. There was also a shorter man wearing a trench coat who seemed both confused, and interested, by everything. Rico further describes him as having a “cute face” with black, unruly hair and piercing blue eyes. The last occupant was an angsty, average-height man with short, teddy bear brown hair and eyes slightly greener than dying grass. He was loudly complaining about the lack of wheat and wheat by-products sold in the restaurant. He also kept making sexually tensious eye contact with the trenchcoated man and then looking away and invalidating the entire encounter. This, disappointed Rico. He says he may, or may not have spit in the angsty mans wheat-free pizza (which he unfortunately did not eat). Rico says that they were very conspicuously discussing a "monster" that had come to Nightvale. Well excuse me listeners but I find this a bit, offensive. Nightvale is a proud, industrious, and safe city. We have NEVER had a monster in Nightvale. Sure, we've had malevolent government experiments, and yeah, we've had ominous, destructive supernatural entities. Hell, we've even had a sentient, animal-raining glow cloud. ALL HAIL. But monsters? That’s just preposterous. More on this story, as I find out more about it. 

In other news, the Nightvale sect of the NRA has decided on a new slogan for their bumper stickers, it reads "Guns don't kill people, they just make it easier to orchestrate and execute mass murders and assassinations." To order one, shoot a hole in your favorite wall, then, place a piece of paper inside the hole that says "Grievous Bodily Harm" The sticker will be delivered to you by a fluorescent-green spider wielding 8 guns. 

Now, on to traffic. A child sits in the back of a car, they know the world is incomprehensible, they know that there is no sense in trying to make sense of this vast nonsense that we exist in so temporarily. They know that it is better to remain ignorant and lazy in their existence. They know this because they have witnessed the destruction of those who try to understand the things that cannot be understood, they have seen firsthand the debilitating effect that knowledge has on our fragile human minds. So they keep still in the backseat, and they close their eyes. So listeners, it sounds like the roads are clear! 

During the break I received a call form Carlos. He explained to me that Steve was not, in fact, checking him out, but rather attempting to eat him. He says that Steve seems to be infected with a malicious parasite, driving him to try to eat humans. Carlos also says that after he tranquilized Steve the effect lasted only a moment before he sprang up and fled, howling like a wounded animal. Well listeners, I must admit, Steve did seem slightly more horrific and bloodthirsty than usual when I saw him attempting to devour Carlos. Although, I'm sure the parasite that has infected him didn't have much work to do in order to turn him into this beast. Listeners, be wary of a bloodthirsty Steve Carlesburg today, stay as guarded as you usually would living in this cacophonic dangerous town that we love so much. 

And now, a word from our sponsors: You've seen them. Misshapen glitches seen at the edge of your periphery. Unholy gaps that you ignore over and over. Consider these flickers. Consider their meaning. Entertain the possibility that your eyes aren't deceitful, that the only lies told by your vision are the ones assuring you of this reality. Believe that the flickers are a glimpse into the truth, a peephole into the real, real world. The world we walk through but can never see. Reality is a lie listeners, force your eyes to show you the truth. Hot Topic. 

Now lets take a look at horoscopes! Aries, maybe you should start working on writing a will. No reason, its just good to be prepared for when the time comes, and you know your cousin is a greedy jerk. Watch out Aries! Taurus, you should layer more often. It gets very boring seeing you in jeans and a t-shirt everyday. I mean seriously, it's not that hard to throw on a jacket or maybe some flannel. Get creative Taurus. Gemini, keep your legs far apart from each other! Do NOT let them touch! If so much as one hair brushes up against the opposite leg then you are doomed. Be wary of your positioning and do not attempt jumping jacks. You have been warned. Cancer, technology is not your friend. All electronics in your house are currently plotting your demise. Flee. Go live in a distant cave and cut off contact with the rest of the world. Pray they do not find you. Leo, are you sure that's the career path you want to take? I know it's none of my business but let's just say your talent in this profession will only be appreciated in the void. Virgo, educate yourself on Nordic economical structures. It may be useful to you in your new governmental position! Libra, stop. Seriously, just stop. Scorpio, mockery may be the highest form of flattery but flattery is the highest form of self-preservation. Sagittarius, read a book! They're very intellectually stimulating and you need something to full up your head after all those memories were stolen-I mean graciously disposed of. Aquarius, opportunity is standing right in front of you yet your eyes are averted. Turn your gaze Aquarius, allow opportunity to embrace you. Please Aquarius, at least do this. Pisces, you were born in the wrong place. Your youth will be spent in an oppressive, intolerant hell where you must conceal your truths. Plan your escape Pisces. 

More news about our visitors. They were spotted in the library in the supernatural section. The unnaturally tall man was intently reading a book titled “Cannibalistic Humans: The Causes” One of my personal favorites. The angsty man looked deeply perturbed by the entire situation and the trenchcoated man continued to seem both confused and interested by everything. After a few minutes of research they were indubitably attacked by the librarians. They all assumed a face of surprise but acceptance and reliance on previous experience. They drew weapons and, impossibly, slaughtered the librarian. Listeners, this, this is amazing. Of course librarians have been killed before but never by newcomers and never this swiftly, even our beloved Tamika Flynn needed time to conquer these beasts. Yet our visitors slew them down as if they were swatting away flies. We must welcome these heroes! Revere them! And overlook their previous derisive comments about our city. Be grateful, rejoice Nightvale. Heroes have arrived.

Now lets take a look at the community calendar! Monday, is hat day! Gather all the hats or headpieces you own and bring them to city hall. We will then commence a sacrificial burning of the hats to appease our bald gods and goddesses. Wednesday is your opportunity. The stars, planets, and various alien spacecrafts will align and create the most perfect, beneficial opportunity to ever be offered to a human. And you will miss it. You will miss it by the most miniscule increment imaginable and you will regret if for the rest of your existence... Thursday is the date agreed on by the City Council to return to if time travel is ever invented, of course if the future city council does appear they will be mercilessly slaughtered by the City Council for breaking the City Councils ban on time travel. Sunday is our Civic Pride Parade! Attendees will be tested (by means of electro-shock calculation) to see how much civic pride they have. Citizens with necessary levels of civic pride will be gifted with continued existence. Citizens with unsatisfactory civic pride, well, you can guess what will be done to those miscreants. On Tuesday, the City Council will be temporarily suspending all citizens sense of smell. They ask that you refrain from wearing gas masks and that you remember that scent is a privilege NOT a right. This has been, the Community Calendar. 

In response to the recent spark in predatory bird attacks on civilians, the Nightvale Animal Control Department is issuing bird repellent to all citizens. “It sure is some effective repellent.” Stated one of their spokespersons, “100% guaranteed to keep those birds away! Well as much as you can guarantee something when we are all at the mercy of unpredictable chance. I mean who can really guarantee things anyway? Sure, this bird repellent has a chance of repelling birds, it is bird repellent isn't it?! But there's also the chance that it could do nothing, or maybe, it could actually attract the birds. There's a very good chance the bird repellent will attract birds. There is a significant chance that the repellent will make the birds hungry for human flesh. There is a macroscopic chance that a fraction of what I am saying is true. There is a chance that I left the stove on.” The spokespersons eyes widened. “There's a chance I left the stove on!” They repeated, scurrying back into their van after throwing bird repellent at everyone in their vicinity. Well listeners, be sure to lather on some bird repellent before going outside today. Maybe throw on some cologne or perfume too, to mask that pungent, meat smell. Actually, don't do that. I have just been informed by Animal Control that you should definitely NOT mask that smell. The odor is necessary to keep the birds... away. 

Listeners we have just received more news about the situation that is currently happening, now. Certain residents of Nightvale have been exhibiting the same parasitic symptoms as Steve Carlesburg. These symptoms seem to include headaches, nausea, and vicious cannibalism. Among those reportedly infected are Coach Nazar Al-Mujaheed, John Peters, and, oh no, Old Woman Josie, this can't be. What about her “angels”?? Oh Erika's, you should have protected her! There must be a cure. There has to be a way. We will find a way. Listeners, I have a certain scientist I need to consult with... and ensure the safety of. Lets go to another word from our sponsors (we're pretty low on funds after we bought that exorcism shield for station managements office.)

You hear a rattle in the air vents. A shriek rings out from your bathroom. The lights dim to an intense, tangerine color. You, are ready. Spoiled milk leaks out of the sink faucet, interspersed with soggy letters to forgotten loved ones. The sound you've been dreading beckons you to the attic. You knew this was coming, you knew there was no escape. Ikea. This, is your recompense.

Urgent news, Listeners. Carlos has informed me that due to the parasitic nature of the disease, there must be a way to draw the parasite out or kill it, as it is with all parasites. Unfortunately, without test subjects there is no way for Carlos to find the cure. He, is going outside. He says it's the only way to stop the outbreak, the parasite moves rapidly and he must stop it before it gets out of control. He is going to try to lure the infected to City Hall using the ten gallon vat of blood supplied to every structure in Nightvale. Oh, my Carlos. My brave, smart Carlos. Listeners I cannot let him do this alone. If he were to fail, if he were to- die, it'd just be me, alone with the void. I can't live without him Nightvale. As the old saying goes, he completes me, he links up telepathic mind waves with me to make us a combined, ultra-sentient, celestial being. I am going to follow him Nightvale. My brave scientist, I will follow you. City Hall isn't far listeners. I can make this broadcast mobile in order to recount the events to you as I presently witness them. Intern Charlie, would you mind tagging along so the listeners can still have some background noise? Charlie is nodding her head yes. Her cheek is red and bruised from continuous plucking. Gotta get those college credits somehow, huh Charlie?

We are leaving the station now, um, City Hall is not very far if you'll just bear with me Listeners. Just around the corner and take an ultra-left at the intersection and oh!

Listeners! I see Carlos! He is standing on the steps of City Hall which are drenched in the blood he has placed to lure in the infected. Oh my beautiful Carlos I'm not too late! I'm running up to meet him and taking care that I do not trip in the generous amounts of blood adorning the steps.  
“You know you shouldn't have come, right?”  
“I know Carlos, but, if something had happened I just wouldn't-”  
“It's, okay Cecil, if I go, I want it to be with you.”  
“I love you Carlos.”  
“I love you too, Cecil.”  
Oh- listeners, the infected are beginning to approach us. It is truly haunting seeing the faces of this town that I know so well filled with animalistic viciousness. They are not moving very fast but we are vastly outnumbered. They have blocked off all exits and cornered us on the steps of City Hall.  
“Um, Carlos, what exactly is your plan here?”  
“Well, um, I created a more potent version of the tranquilizer I used earlier, but I did not think there would be this many. Cecil, I only have 5 bullets. Oh Cecil, I can't believe I failed you! A scientist is supposed to always be prepared.”  
“Carlos, you could never fail me. As long as I am with you then you have succeeded.”  
“Thank you, Cecil. I treasured every moment I spent with you.”  
“Thank you, Carlos, for helping me create those moments.”  
Listeners, they are approaching the steps. With what I fear will be the last moment I spend with you, and Carlos, I give you, the weath- wait! What is that?! Hey! 

* Carry on My Wayward Son begins to play *

Listeners, something miraculous has happened. As Carlos and I prepared for our endings and the cannibalistic, bloodthirsty- m-monsters edged near us, a car sped into view. A black car, an Impala I believe. And from the car, music was blasting out the windows with aggressive force, breaking the City Council's ban on music. The monsters paused and then began to shriek, horrible, wretched screams, emanating from their very souls. They simultaneously sunk to the ground panting and wheezing. Then a viscous, purple smoke began pouring out of their mouths, ears, and noses. It streamed out of their entrances forcefully, seeming almost like it had its own volition. Then the smoke rose to the air and converged, creating a pulsating, murky purple cloud in the sky. It flew instantly through the doors of City Hall, passing right through the locked doors with ease. Leaving us all with only a memory of the discord and potential tragedy it inflicted. The infected hesitantly rose to their feet, no longer in unison. All of the viciousness and bloodlust had left their faces. All remnants of cruelty and malevolence stripped away, leaving only confusion and relief. 

Carlos and I briefly enjoyed a reunion with our town members until I noticed three men begin to get back into the Impala that brought us our salvation. I rushed up to them to express our town's gratitude for their unexpected heroism. The old car was sputtering to life when I reached the drivers window. The driver, an angsty, average-height man with short, teddy bear–brown hair and eyes greener than dying grass cast me a strange look before rolling down the window. Gruffly, he asked me what I wanted. I explained to him and the other occupants in the car that I had come to thank them for saving me, Carlos, and our town from what could've been the unsatisfying end to a YA sci-fi novel. A look of understanding sympathy grew on his face as well as on the other two men in the car. They exited slowly, the squeaking doors of the car emphasizing their departure. The driver introduced himself as Dean in an exaggeratedly masculine tone. The unnaturally tall man with glamorous brown parted hair said his name was Sam and that Dean was his brother. Lastly, the shorter man wearing a trenchcoat who seemed both confused and interested by everything and had a “cute face” with black, unruly hair and piercing blue eyes introduced himself as Castiel. Castiel then said that he was an angel, which is obviously a lie because all angels are named Erika and they do not exist. 

Sam and Dean explained that they were “Hunters”, people who travel across the world killing monsters, ghosts, demons, and all other evil things. I then politely but firmly informed him that this was not necessary because any paranormal disturbances are planned by the City Council for the betterment of out town and should not be interrupted. Dean then indicated-not politely- that if he had followed my instructions that I, Carlos, and the town would have either been killed or lived on as monsters. At this point, I was frozen silent by the brain chip in my head that temporarily stops speech ability when negative aspects of the City Council are acknowledged, so I urgently gestured for Carlos to come over. He took my hand and explained to them that he was also an outsider, and knew what it felt like to be bewildered by the strangeness of Nightvale. Dean regarded our interlocked hands with a raised eyebrow while Castiel gazed at them with a sort of jealous longing. As our conversation continued we learned that our heroes had no idea that music was the cure to the disease, they had simply been blasting the songs as a sort of battle cry before they drove into the crowd to slaughter the infected. By now my speech had returned so I pointed out to Dean that he had been in violation of the City Council's ban on music. He replied to this with another raised eyebrow prompting me to emit an understanding “ooohh” before having my speech suspended again. 

As my silence coupled with the absence of anything left to say amassed an avalanche of awkwardness, Carlos thanked our heroes once again and I indecipherably mumbled gratitude through my sealed lips. We parted from the trio and returned back to our town.

So listeners, it seems that we we are once again, safe. Rescued, in what we thought would be the last moments of our lives, rescued by a previously unknown force, perhaps in some cosmic joke of luck. Rescued when we though rescue was unattainable. But how does this change things? I can't always expect some handsome strangers to burst into action and suddenly save me from cannibalistic monsters. That only happens so many times in a persons life. So what will happen now if I find myself once again, backed up against either a figurative or literal wall, intimately staring down the prospect of death or something even worse? I hardly believe the universe would be so kind as to allow strangers to preserve my life twice. So will I have to rely on myself to evade danger? I hardly think I'm capable of sustaining myself in a situation such as the one I faced today. But while I may not always have gruffly beautiful strangers to my rescue, I will always have my Carlos. My Carlos whose beauty trumps that of any overly-compensating alpha-male savior like Dean. My Carlos whose intelligence and cleverness are all I will ever need to preserve this wonderful, strange life that I live. While he may not have been at his best today, the universe clearly atoned for his error and I have faith that he will not make one again. And even if he does, I would eternally forgive him, because the joy he has given me in this small time we have been together is enough to fuel me through death and whatever government-approved afterlife lay ahead of us. 

Stay tuned for a five-hour long recitation of literary cliches, otherwise known as Twilight.

Good Night, Nightvale  
Good Night


End file.
